What a tough week this has been for me. I reached the end of my rope and sadness and with that I ended up cursing God at the top of my lungs, hating him, and telling him that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. But when I look back on it now, I wonder if I was just really more upset with myself or am I truly angry with him. I really thought and expected to be so much further in my walk with him, then I am. Part of my anger. And really.. deep within my heart, I knew and he knew that I really didn’t mean what I was saying. It was all just major frustration. But it was uncalled for and never should have crossed my thoughts or lips.
Really, It’s a bit of anger on both sides. But mostly on my side and as we all do, needing to take it out on someone else. Our pride gets the best of us. I’ll be honest and I’ll be upfront as I know many are struggling with the same thing. I still struggle with pornography, and that of course leads to thoughts of wanting to take it further which would lead to major destruction and penalties. Although it’s not the daily struggle that it used to be, I do still struggle with this about once a week. It sickens me and it disgusts me.
I have prayed, prayed, prayed and even pleaded with God, over and over and over to please just take the desire away from me. Obviously that isn’t working.. So I let it all out at him. Screaming at the top of my lungs,” Why won’t you take this away from me!!” Seems like we give the brunt of all our anger to God for not fixing us, instead of screaming at Satan for not leaving us alone. Continue reading